Three of my kids started school today. It's an exciting, anxious time for them, especially for my sone with high functioning autism. Last year he missed over a month of school because of his anxiety. He is one of those that acts like a little soldier in school and carefully follows all of the rules and frets over the other children that don't follow the rules. He is pretty much paranoid to get in trouble at school and worries constantly that something might happen to him (someone might hurt him) or to me while he is at school. All of the noise that comes from sitting on a bus, or in the lunchroom, or on the playground can be just too much for him and send him into over stimulation.
Fortunately for the school, he contains his impulses and anxiety (so far anyway) while at school (it's that fear of getting in trouble thing). Unfortunately for myself and my family, all of that anxiety comes out as rage and aggression at home. He has a hard time seeing into the future, which translates into a difficulty seeing the consequences of his actions even if he has received those consequences many times before. Meltdowns (some may see these as mere temper tantrums, but a true meltdown happens when he is truly out of control with emotions) can last up to two hours during the school year when things get really bad. I'm hoping that with school starting, the meltdowns stay at a minimum and we don't get into a pattern of emotional intensity.
I am trying to just let things come on a daily, sometimes hourly, basis. I don't want to create expectations that might affect his behavior. For example, I don't want to expect that he is going to come home today emotionally worn out, raging at his siblings, and resistant to go back to school tomorrow. But it's hard. Because that is what I fear. He got on the bus today, but he was hesitant. Will he even go to the bus stop tomorrow? I don't like to voice those concerns, because he might hear them and then act on them. I want to stay positive, to tell him he can do anything he wants to, including control his emotions. But, I know there are times when he just can't control himself. It may sound like excusing his behavior, but until you've lived with it, there is no way to understand it completely. Even the professionals can't understand unless they have lived 24/7 with an autistic child. And my son is very high functioning. I can't even understand or imagine parents of lower functioning autistic children and the trials they deal with on a daily basis. And that is where I count my blessings, to be able to say that my son is high functioning.
I dont' know what the future holds- when he gets home from school today or what two years from now will bring. But what I do know, is I will press on. I will continue to help my son. I will continue to learn and to change my ways to better serve him and my other four children.
School has started. The only thing I know that the day will bring is uncertainty. But, like every other day, we will get through it...
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